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sweetly broken

March 26, 2010 by Kate Selner

I never expected to have the last six months. And I thank God for them, because it’s been a long preparation for this day.

Harmon has slipped away, very quickly and over just the past few days. It doesn’t matter what’s wrong because we don’t need to know. We just know he’s very ill, he’s very old and he’s leaving us. We need to make his final journey a peaceful one. For the unconditional love he’s given to me over the last 17 years, I owe him as little suffering as I am able to give. It doesn’t make the ache in our hearts any easier but he deserves nothing less from us. For every snuggle, for every jet engine purr and painfully hard head-butt he’s sent me over his lifetime, and for the six months that I’ve had to try and somehow accustom myself to living without him, I can make one of the hardest choices of my adult life.

Inevitable, and bittersweet. There are no more Spring days for him lolling on the patio or chasing grasshoppers, no more expectant faces at the snack cupboard, no more heavy bodies cuddling up to me while I work, or watch TV or sleep at night.

I don’t really know what Bustopher will do. Or for that matter, what we will do.

So please excuse my absence from here for a while.

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Posted in Not About Food | Tagged death, grief, Harmon, life, pets | 70 Comments

70 Responses

  1. on March 26, 2010 at 4:48 pm Amber

    Oh honey, you have all the love I can send your way. As the cat-mom of two troublesome, loveable, cuddly, vindictive ginormous Maine Coons, I can only imagine the pain you’re going through.

    I’m sure that Harmon had a life filled with so much love and happiness, and that was because of you.

    Amber (@aryssabrooke)


  2. on March 26, 2010 at 4:49 pm Katie B

    Oh Kate – I am so sorry! Harmon was a much loved little creature!


  3. on March 26, 2010 at 4:52 pm Chris and Amy

    We went through the same thing in early February. Just want you to know that we’re thinking of you.


  4. on March 26, 2010 at 4:54 pm mysisterskitchen

    Kate, I’m so sorry. Praying that you will be comforted in ways that surprise you.

    hugs,
    Barb


  5. on March 26, 2010 at 5:11 pm KC

    We’s sending you so much love and so many purrs.
    ~KC and the Sherwood Bunch

    pee ess: Sorry, but I’s can’t say nuffin, tha tears get in tha way.


  6. on March 26, 2010 at 5:13 pm Friday Noos » Cat Blogosphere

    […] months after being diagnosed with cancer, Harmon is leaving us. […]


  7. on March 26, 2010 at 5:16 pm Liz

    Putting our Tornado down rather than let him waist away was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I am sorry for you all. Harmon is clearly loved and will be missed. I’m praying for you guys!


  8. on March 26, 2010 at 5:18 pm Joo

    I’m so very sorry, Kate.


  9. on March 26, 2010 at 5:21 pm KC

    I posted a grafik in Harmon’s honor on the Cat Blogosphere, anyone who wants to copy it is welcome.
    Love & Purrs,
    KC


  10. on March 26, 2010 at 5:53 pm The Island Cats

    We are so sorry to hear about Harmon. We send you comforting purrs and headbutts to you at this sad time….


  11. on March 26, 2010 at 6:04 pm Tracy

    Oh, I’m so sorry. 😦 I know exactly how you feel…it was almost 2 years ago that Rocky’s sister, our sweet Callie, passed away from feline leukemia and it was absolutely heartbreaking. Sending lots of *hugs* your way.


  12. on March 26, 2010 at 6:08 pm A Canadian Foodie

    Thank you for reaching out and sharing this personal heartache with all of us. I am in the middle of a school day… have a rare prep, just checking my mail and saw you had a new post…so linked into it. I am not tear stained and full of heart ache for you. One has to have had this happen to really understand it. I have never had a pet live for 17 years… 13 was the longest. The loss is still there and our little pets will always be remembered. Yet, the one we have does fill that void. So, a new little kitty might be just the salut to Spring, the gift honoring Harmon and a new little buddy for Bustopher.
    XO
    Valerie


  13. on March 26, 2010 at 6:25 pm kat

    Sorry for your loss


  14. on March 26, 2010 at 6:34 pm suzi

    Oh, I am so sorry. 😦 One of the saddest days was when my dog Molly died. The kindest heart on the planet. Thinking about you and your family.


  15. on March 26, 2010 at 6:35 pm Alexa

    Prayers to you and your family. Losing a pet is the most unexplainable pain. Enjoy the memories, they will get you through it.


  16. on March 26, 2010 at 6:36 pm darcie

    hugs to you and yours. it’s never easy.
    xoxo


  17. on March 26, 2010 at 6:38 pm Kellyn

    I am so very sorry. I know that the pain can be so strong, we lost our Pokey a couple years ago after 18 wonderful years.

    I will be thinking of you


  18. on March 26, 2010 at 6:54 pm jansfunnyfarm

    There is no easy way to say good-bye. We’re sorry about Harmon. It always hurts. Sending purrs, tail wags and hugs.


  19. on March 26, 2010 at 7:02 pm Zippy, Sadie and Speedy

    It is the hardest, and yet the most loving, thing we can do for them. We hope the hole he leaves in your heart is filled with the love and happy memories he gave you. (((hugs)))


  20. on March 26, 2010 at 7:07 pm 'Kaika

    We are so sorry that sweet Harmon is leaving you. We wish him a gentle journey to the Bridge and send soft purrs and comforting thoughts to you.

    ‘Kaika and his mom


  21. on March 26, 2010 at 7:15 pm Sniffie and the Florida Furkids

    We are so sorry to hear that Harmon is leaving for the Bridge. We will purr and pray for both of you.

    Sniffie and the Florida Furkids and Mom Sharon


  22. on March 26, 2010 at 7:18 pm Kristen

    Oh Kate… I am sitting here sobbing as if it was my own cat, 5 years ago. I am so, so sorry. I know your pain, and I know that pain will last for a very, very long time. I am so sorry. So terribly sorry.


  23. on March 26, 2010 at 7:21 pm Jenny

    Sorry for your loss. So sad. He looked like a wonderful companion.


  24. on March 26, 2010 at 8:08 pm Astrid

    my heart is aching with you
    tears share with you
    my thoughts are with you

    Farewell Sweet Harmon from a lady you never knew but whose heart you stole the very first moment she saw you!


  25. on March 26, 2010 at 8:21 pm Lucky

    My heart is with you. This is the most difficult, yet the most compassionate and kind act that we as humans face.

    Thank you for sharing your beautiful Harmon with us. I feel honored to have “known” him through you.


  26. on March 26, 2010 at 10:47 pm Lisa

    Oh Kate, I’m so sorry to read this. It really is just awful to lose a pet. 😦


  27. on March 26, 2010 at 10:48 pm Cats of Wildcat Woods

    Sending you all much loving energy – it is a gift to Harmon to help him end his suffering but it is not easy. I have been there countless times and know your pain.


  28. on March 26, 2010 at 10:51 pm Brian

    My sisters and I are so very, very sorry to hear about your sweet Harmon and although we didn’t know Harmon, after reading about him we shall remember him forever.


  29. on March 26, 2010 at 10:53 pm Fuzzy Tales

    I just saw the news on the CB and came over….I am so deeply sorry, more than words can ever express. He gave you years of love and devotion, this is your last gift to him–peace, an end to suffering.

    Keeping you in my thoughts and sending universal healing Light. Please remember (and I’m paraphrasing a quote I once read), that all the holes in our hearts are to let the Light shine through.

    -Kim


  30. on March 26, 2010 at 11:09 pm Everycat

    Despite the sadness and dread of what you know you must do, remember that it is the kindest gift you can give a beloved friend, an easy passing. Hold on to that and reach a time when you can look back on those years of love and smile again.

    We send you, Harmon (and Bustopher) love and rumbly purrs

    Whicky Wuudler
    Oliver
    & Gerry


  31. on March 27, 2010 at 12:25 am Kate at Serendipity

    Oh, Kate. I was thinking about you and Harmon just yesteday, and wondering how he was doing. I’m so sorry. I know how hard it is. Even though we know it’s because we love them, it’s so hard. I wish there were another way. Hugs, hon.


  32. on March 27, 2010 at 12:49 am The Meezers

    oh we are so very sorry to hear that Harmon is going to the Rainbow Bridge. He obviously loved you with all his heart and you loved him with all yours.
    Have a peaceful journey to the Rainbow Bridge Harmon – and MomKate – Harmon will always be with you, in your heart and memories. And he will be waiting for you at the Bridge


  33. on March 27, 2010 at 1:27 am sammawow

    Oh, dear, I am so sorry to hear about your gorgeous Harmon. I wish that there were words to make you feel better but I am sure that Harmon had a wonderful life here with you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and China Cat and Willow are sending over soft purrs.


  34. on March 27, 2010 at 2:04 am Chris

    God speed, Harmon. You’ve done a great job taking care of your family. Time to rest now.


  35. on March 27, 2010 at 3:29 am Fin

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet cat. I wish there were words to heal your heart, but I know only time will help that.

    Deep purrs and Mom hugs to you


  36. on March 27, 2010 at 4:05 am Saturday Noos » Cat Blogosphere

    […] months after being diagnosed with cancer, Harmon is leaving us. […]


  37. on March 27, 2010 at 4:13 am divakitty

    Oh we are so sorry for you and Bustopher – we hope Harmon will be bounding about in fields of green chasing butterflies and rolling in catnip.


  38. on March 27, 2010 at 5:51 am Kat

    We lost a cat to cancer in summer of 08, diagnosed almost exactly 2 years ago. I still remember vividly what a traumatic experience it was and I still miss that cat dearly. I am so sorry that you all had to go through this. I am sure Harmon will watch over you from the other side just as Texas watches over us.


  39. on March 27, 2010 at 8:41 am Julie Q

    What a beautiful post honouring your sweet friend. I hope that Harmon passes with no pain, and I totally agree that it is one of the hardest decisions to make. But know that you are not alone, and we all understand your grief.

    Purrs and hugs to you.

    Julie and Poppy Q


  40. on March 27, 2010 at 8:52 am Katie

    I’m sorry to hear that. 😦


  41. on March 27, 2010 at 9:17 am Milo and Alfie

    The mom speaks:

    My heart goes out to you all. There is never a right time to lose a beloved pet ~ and we know you will be hurting.

    A few borrowed words for you:

    Living Love

    If you ever love an animal, there are three days in your life you will always remember…
    The first is a day, blessed with happiness, when you bring home your young new friend. You may have spent weeks deciding on a breed. You may have asked numerous opinions of many vets, or done long research in finding a breeder. Or, perhaps in a fleeting moment, you may have just chosen that silly looking mutt in a shelter – simply because something in its eyes reached your heart. But when you bring that chosen pet home, and watch it explore, and claim its special place in your hall or front room – and when you feel it brush against you for the first time – it instills a feeling of pure love you will carry with you through the many years to come.

    The second day will occur eight or nine or ten years later. It will be a day like any other. Routine and unexceptional. But, for a surprising instant, you will look at your long-time friend and see age where you once saw youth. You will see slow deliberate steps where you once saw energy. And you will see sleep where you once saw activity. So you will begin to adjust your friend’s diet – and you may add a pill or two to her food. And you may feel a growing fear deep within yourself, which bodes of a coming emptiness. And you will feel this uneasy feeling, on and off, until the third day finally arrives.

    And on this day – if your friend and God have not decided for you, then you will be faced with making a decision of your own – on behalf of your lifelong friend, and with the guidance of your own deepest Spirit. But whichever way your friend eventually leaves you – you will feel as alone as a single star in the dark night. If you are wise, you will let the tears flow as freely and as often as they must. And if you are typical, you will find that not many in your circle of family or friends will be able to understand your grief, or comfort you. But if you are true to the love of the pet you cherished through the many joy-filled years, you may find that a soul – a bit smaller in size than your own – seems to walk with you, at times, during the lonely days to come. And at moments when you least expect anything out of the ordinary to happen, you may feel something brush against your leg – very, very lightly. And looking down at the place where your dear, perhaps dearest, friend used to lie – you will remember those three significant days. The memory will most likely be painful, and leave an ache in your heart. As time passes, the ache will come and go as it has a life of its own. You will both reject it and embrace it, and it may confuse you. If you reject it, it will depress you. If you embrace it, it will deepen you. Either way, it will still be an ache.

    But there will be, I assure you, a fourth day when – along with the memory of your pet – and piercing through the heaviness in your heart – there will come a realization that belongs only to you. It will be as unique and strong as our relationship with each animal we have loved, and lost. This realization takes the form of a Living Love – like the heavenly scent of a rose that remains after the petals have wilted, this love will remain and grow – and be there for us to remember. It is a love we have earned. It is the legacy our pets leave us when they go. And it is a gift we may keep with us as long as we live. It is a love which is ours alone. And until we ourselves leave, perhaps to join our beloved pets – it is a love that we will always possess.

    ~ Written by Martin Scot Kosins, Author of “Maya’s First Rose” ~


  42. on March 27, 2010 at 9:56 am Marg

    We are sending you lots and lots of purrs and prayers and some woofies and some HeeHaws and one Baa. We all know this is a really hard time for all of you. So we will be thinking about you. Sorry.


  43. on March 27, 2010 at 1:43 pm Cory

    We are so sorry for your loss. Harmon is a very special cat and had a long and wonderful life with you.

    We are sending purrs.


  44. on March 27, 2010 at 2:08 pm Jen Knox

    I’m so sorry for your loss…I’ve been where you are now and know how you feel….I picture my Trixie running through huge fields of grass, happy as a clam to have doggie friends to play with forever.

    It *does* get better as the time passes because you never lose the love you have for them, and the memories become happy ones. Honestly, you just have to wait for that day when suddenly you smile when you think of them instead of cry. It *will* happen…they (our pets), I believe, make sure of it. 😉

    {{HUG}}


  45. on March 27, 2010 at 2:16 pm kevin

    Kate,
    I’m so sorry. Unfortunately I know exactly how you feel.


  46. on March 27, 2010 at 2:22 pm Kat

    This is one of the hardest decisions to make. I’ve had to do it myself. But I know that Harmon will always be with you. My family and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Kitty Horde send you and yours many hugs and purrs.

    May the memories of love outweigh the grief of loss.


  47. on March 27, 2010 at 5:18 pm JoAnna

    I’m so sad Harmon is gone. I believe cats go to heaven and you’ll see him again someday!


  48. on March 27, 2010 at 6:00 pm "The Boys" and Karen

    We’re so sorry to hear about Harmon. But the beautiful pictures you’ve shared and the love you clearly have for each other, we hope, will make this time a little easier. We’re sending our prurryers and good thoughts.


  49. on March 27, 2010 at 6:43 pm Abby

    Kate
    You are facing the one thing all of us who live and love our furry purries don’t want to ever face….the loss of our beloved…in looking over the pictures you posted it ripped through my heart, especially the last one of you and Harmon together side by side. To say your heart will be torn and tattered is no doubt an understatement. 17 years is a very long time with so many memories. In many ways Harmon will always be there with you, just not in his earthly form. I do believe, and I hope that you do as well, that one day you will be reunited again, and will never be parted. I look at it simply that our furry purries had to go ahead and pave the way for us. It’s hard to feel the loss and the letting go, but you have given Harmon such a wonderful happy loving life, in the days to come you will be so grateful for each of those minutes, hours, days and years that you both had together… Harmon we will miss you and we will send healing purrs and purrayers to your Mom and family….
    Abby


  50. on March 27, 2010 at 8:40 pm Ayla and Iza

    I am too familiar with the profound loss you are feeling. All I can offer is quiet sympathy. You and Harmon will be in my thoughts.

    The Big Thing


  51. on March 27, 2010 at 9:34 pm Molly, Shadow, Trooder and I is Jake!

    The body is gone but not his spirit. Dis we tell our the mom fer the last few years about our TT Girl.

    Many purrs and headbutts

    Molly, Shadow, Trooder

    licks and tail wags

    I is Jake!

    (((hugs)))

    Mom Laure


  52. on March 28, 2010 at 12:03 am Eric and Flynn

    We are sorry to hear on the CB of Harmon’s passing. We send you comforting purrs and (((hugs))).


  53. on March 28, 2010 at 2:04 am Pierro

    You are not alone.
    You are loved by us and we have you in our constant prayers.

    “Grieve not, nor speak of me with tears,
    but laugh and talk of me
    as if I were beside you…..
    I loved you so —
    ’twas Heaven here with you.”
    @~>~~>~~
    Harmon will watch over you.


  54. on March 28, 2010 at 3:30 am Teri and the cats of Furrydance

    We did not get to know Harmon, but learned of his passing on the Cat Blogosphere. Our hearts are heavy, and ache for you in this sad time…Our mewmie likes this poem, and may it comfort you, too…

    And God asked the feline spirit
    Are you ready to come home?
    Oh, yes, quite so, replied the precious soul
    And, as a cat, you know I am most able
    To decide anything for myself.

    Are you coming then? asked God.
    Soon, replied the whiskered angel
    But I must come slowly
    For my human friends are troubled
    For you see, they need me, quite certainly.

    But don’t they understand? asked God
    That you’ll never leave them?
    That your souls are intertwined. For all eternity?
    That nothing is created or destroyed?
    It just is….forever and ever and ever.

    Eventually they will understand,
    Replied the glorious cat
    For I will whisper into their hearts
    That I am always with them
    I just am….forever and ever and ever.


  55. on March 28, 2010 at 3:34 am Sweet Praline

    I’m so sorry for your loss.


  56. on March 28, 2010 at 4:03 am Sunday Noos » Cat Blogosphere

    […] Harmon ran off to the Bridge leaving a lot of heartbroken kitties and their humans. […]


  57. on March 28, 2010 at 7:46 am Karen Jo

    I am so very sorry that Harmon had to go to the Rainbow Bridge. He will live forever in your heart and eventually the happy memories will prove stronger than your grief.


  58. on March 28, 2010 at 6:30 pm jimbo

    He’ll be good friends with my friends Rudolph and Toshio up there, that’s for sure..My deepest condolence for the family..Be strong..

    jimbo n family


  59. on March 28, 2010 at 10:03 pm oneordinaryday

    We’ve lost two sweet cats in the past year. They are such a part of your family and your heart. So sorry.


  60. on March 28, 2010 at 10:53 pm Stacey

    Thank you for trusting us with this part of your journey. Love and peace and comfort to you!


  61. on March 29, 2010 at 2:11 pm Four Crazy Cats

    I am very sorry to hear about Harmon. I know how special he was to you. Having the time to process the idea of him not being there is a blessing, but doesn’t make the reality of that loss any easier. We mourned for Mojo for 7 months before making the final decision for him. Like you we showed him all the kindness and love we possibly could during those final months. I find myself loving my other boys more fully because of that experience. I think that is Harmon’s legacy as well…to teach us how to love unconditionally and without worry about tomorrow. We know that we have loved as much as we possibly can today, and therefore have no regrets. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Harmon may not be with you in the physical world, but he will live on in your heart forever. He will never be forgotten. Thank you for sharing him with us.


  62. on March 29, 2010 at 9:49 pm Becky Olson

    What a sweet boy. I’m so sorry, Kate.


  63. on March 29, 2010 at 10:36 pm lo

    Your Harmon reminds me so much of my own dear Elmo, a big fluffy orange guy who’s going on 17 years this spring. My heart goes out to you — as I know your loss is huge. And so I send hugs, and hope. And lots of purrs.


  64. on March 29, 2010 at 10:36 pm G Mars

    Kate – Beautiful, heartfelt and evocative writing on the loss of a friend.
    Thanks for sharing, grieving and opening up on a very tough loss.
    Your journey together was a grand one!
    Thanks for the tears, they’ve been shared by many…
    G


  65. on March 29, 2010 at 11:08 pm julie

    I am so incredibly sorry for your situation! My heart goes out to you and the decisions and sadness you face. I had to do the same this past December with my beloved kitty. I didn’t think it possible to have the strength to do it, and I thought my heart would not survive. I am choking up now just remembering that decision and that sadness. I feel for you and especially for your kittly. May he be strong and suffer no more. You are in my thoughts and prayers!


  66. on March 30, 2010 at 2:41 pm Tiki & Kirby

    We knew this day would come, but we were hoping it would be later. We are so very sorry about Harmon. Sending you purrs of comfort.


  67. on April 1, 2010 at 6:01 am flandrumhill

    What a moving post Kate. Beautiful photos of a beautiful cat.


  68. on April 2, 2010 at 4:44 pm Weekend Cat Blogging #252 | Paulchens FoodBlog?!

    […] Momma and we was very very sad to hear that a sweet cat blogging friend from nearly the very beginning of our cat blogging times has lost his battle with cancer and ran of tho the bridge leaving his brother Bustopher and his heartbroken Mon Kate behind: Goodbye Harmon! […]


  69. on April 2, 2010 at 7:29 pm Rosa

    I am so sorry to hear about your loss. That is very sad, but at least he was old and had a good life… Harmon was a beautiful kitty!

    In thoughts with you,

    Rosa


  70. on April 17, 2010 at 7:51 pm Trish

    Oh, Sweetie-pie, I’m so sorry. It’s so hard to lose a devoted companion and warm snuggle partner.
    Your writing is very powerful.



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